(Poem) X-Wives

 

 

She used to be a wife to me

Fulfilling the lust of my dreams

Her belly grew from love of my seed

Now blond hair with green eyes a glow

Barely now twelve months in the wind

One more angel, blessed again

Though not tied, you would think they were twins

Wherever one went a second blended like a shadow

 

 

I should have known their Mother would roam

Into the bed of many my heart suffered such pain

Working too much if you’re married to a slut

This disaster is not a good home in the making

Your Angels get used as bait to make your heart-break

 

 

From deep in your Soul your heart and mind can’t take it

Not caring that for lust your family home she is destroying

Men, divorce is no one’s friend do not play it like a fiddle

Not just your heart, your children always lose in the end

Son, be careful what she is when you say you wish to get hitched

Easily spread legs not always one you should consider marriage

 

 

More Blessed Than Deserved: A Re-post From Super Bowl Sunday

 

It’s about 1410 Est on Supper Bowl Sunday. It has been a very boring day, have been on the computer since I got up bout nine. I have been aiming to put some other things into the blog other than just the poems I have been putting in. I still browsing poems I have written but I have been wanting to give some of my thoughts and presentations on life and the world we are all living in. So, I m not saying that I am special or smarter than anyone else, I am just going to put some thoughts out to you folks to see if you think or feel the same way about life and world issues. So, if you would, after you read my posts, comment, let me know what you think okay? I am not just trying to get folks to agree with me like some blinded herd of cattle, if you don’t agree with me on an issue, that’s cool, tell me why you either do or don’t. You know, a lot of time the most learning that one can obtain is when one disagrees within an orderly discussion.

Lately I have been occasionally thinking about my age (57). I have been thinking about different times in my life when I was at one of those “decision moments”. You know what I’m talking about, moments like I had in April of 1977. I was in the Air Force in Biloxi Mississippi when my wife up and left with my two young babies. She left to go back up to northern Illinois to move in with an x-best friend. Well it became one of those decision times, no, I wasn’t thinking about killing either of them, neither one was worth it. My decision was about whether to take  an Honorable Discharge and go back to Illinois to see if I could get my family back, or just stay in the Service and continue trying to continue my life without them. I chose the discharge and went back to northern Illinois pretty much knowing she wasn’t going to get back with me. But I guess in my head I had hoped we could get back together because I wanted my kids. But after I had gone back to Illinois I began to realize that I didn’t want my now ex-wife back. Right there, this was one of those life decision moments. I should have stood up right there and gone back into the Air Force. I could have been a more respectable ex-husband and dad than the process I chose of bouncing around the country. I had many jobs and knew many different ladies and friends but I should have been more stable and stayed in one place longer. I don’t know what I was running from most, my recent failures or was it because of being afraid of success.

The Lord has blessed me all of my life. I seldom if ever have been deserving of how kindly the Lord has treated me throughout these years I have been given. In my life I have always been blessed with someplace to lay my head and though I have never died from starvation (obviously), I have been blessed to know what hunger feels like.

I have never been one to run from work. That is probably one of my biggest faults, I worked my body into an early grave. When for decades in your life you have worked a normal work week of 100 plus hours per week this will destroy the chemistry of ones body, and of their mind. A body and a mind, even if they are not doing hard physical labor cannot work twelve to twenty hours a day seven days a week forever. Even if you are fortunate enough to never sustain a serious injury when you work yourself about 360 days a year. This is depression, you think sometimes that you don’t deserve a real life. This is what I felt I deserved, nothing. Depression, I think I grew up with it because of how my dad always chose to behave. The next biggest kick in the teeth is when I lost my two babies. But she and I neither one was anything but ignorant teenagers when she got pregnant and we got married.

Parents aren’t the end all of how a person grows up though. I was blessed with a fantastic mom, but dad not so good. I guess I got strike one from him, 21 and divorced, both kids taken away, strike two. Then through ignorance not going back into the Air Force, strike three. I let myself strike out, I gave up on life at 21 I guess.

When people think of “what if”, we must always remember the other side of a change. If I/we were able to change our direction at any point in our life the good things we have experienced in our lives and the path that we did choose, would have never happened.

There is also another unknown issue to be considered. Two years into my second marriage in July of 83 I went into the Army. This marriage was one of those loveless marriages in that she had absolutely zero love for me. I had decided that being that I really had no real marriage and that I still felt guilty for not having completed my previous military agreement, this is why I went in the Army. I felt I should serve at least one four-year hitch, this was the patriotic side of my brain talking. I figured we would probably stay married, mostly just in name only. This would keep her on the military insurance and I figured I would make the house payment for her but I wasn’t planning on doing anything else to help her hate-filled ass.

She was a non-practicing Jehovah’s Witness so she did not believe in military service. She told me just before I left for boot camp at Ft. Dix, NJ she said that “God will get you for this.” I started boot camp 7-18-83. At eighteen hundred on 8-11-83 while on a bivouac I was struck by lightning. Maybe she was right or maybe God just has a sense of humor but that did hurt a lot. After I cleared medical I was discharged in February 1984. I have a 40% service connected disability but in reality it physically destroyed my physical life.

The (other side) of the decisions of which I spoke earlier is simple. I could say if I hadn’t gone back into the military I wouldn’t have been hit by the lightning and I would have had a healthy adult life. Or if I had stayed in the Air Force when I was younger I would not have been at Ft. Dix that evening. But now think, I would have been in Desert Shield and Desert Storm. If what happened to me had not happened only God knows the results. I could have found the wrong end of a Republican Guards little grey pill.

Life is filled with what ifs, you know, none of it really matters. And really, it’s not worth wasting grey matter on. We are where we are, the things we did or did not do either good or bad we all have our own personal history. We all will one day answer for all these things at our own allotted time at the Lord’s Judgement Seat.

Do you remember the title of this post, more blessed than deserved? I have tried to be a good person almost all of my life and I have never been one to try to hurt people on purpose. Yet it seems to me that there aren’t all that many sins that I have not committed at one time or another. By no means have I ever been perfect, yet look at how kind the Lord has been to me. I have been married three times. The first was for two years, this is where I was blessed with my blood children, one boy and one girl. The second marriage was for eighteen horrible years! She had a son who was eleven when I married his mom. He is almost 44 now and I have always called him my son to this day and he knows that I love him. I am still married to my third wife for a little over 14 years now. She had a six-year-old son when we wed. He is 21 now and living on his own here in the town his mom and I live in.

So, the Lord has blessed me with four kids and also seven grand kids. I have a woman in my life now who actually loves me and treats me great. In March of 99, I had open heart surgery, that is where I learned that the lightning had literally fried all of my innards. At this time, March 99, the heart doctors told me that if I really behaved and if I was lucky that I might live for another three or four years. Friends, if I am granted seeing next month, that will be fifteen years ago.

So, blessed more than I deserved, yes I think so. Though I have known many types of pain I have lived through them, just like we all have. You here now, have your thoughts fluttered into your past as you have been reading this post? Friends we are all still here in this puzzle that is our lives. Let’s try to make the best of the position in life that we are at. Let us all try to look toward the blue sky moments and to shed the hailstones.

Just remember we are blessed just by being alive at this very moment in time. If at some point in our lives, if we have been able to go back and change it to avoid a painful event you know you and I are only humans, we do not always know what is best. Who knows if changing a point in time in our past in our new reality we could have ended up being one of Jeffery Dahmer’s former ex-neighbors.

Who Do You Consider To Be Your Family

Who Do You Consider To Be Your Family

 

 

Who do you consider your family to be? I know from raising this subject within small groups that people have a wide variety of answers to that simple question. Some people only feel that their immediate household is their family, you know, Mom, Dad, and siblings. I have met quite a few people who have even divorced some of or all of those people from their lives. I have met many people who are by blood siblings or parents of friends that I know well, whom when you met them you see why your friends have no use for this or that blood relative. When I was growing up I was inundated by alcoholics who were also close blood and of course those they chose to hang around and guzzle the suds too. These days it seems that drugs like crack and meth are the vehicle which is totally ripping families apart. When people get hooked on those chemicals they usually find themselves unemployed and homeless when they have used up all of their friends and family because they will steal from anyone to get another high. After a while even close family members tell them to never darken their doorway again. Of course there are many other reasons also that causes families to fall apart, to me, either which way you look at this issue it is sad when brother won’t speak to his brother, or parent to child.

 

 

My wife as well as a few other people throughout my life have told me they think I’m nuts because to me once you are family, you are always family. I have at times joked that I must have some Italian blood in my veins because of how I feel about this issue. I know that I don’t, my tree just goes back to Norway, Ireland, Scotland, and England so I’m just a Scandinavian area mutt. The only brother that I ever knew (one brother died before I was born) was married three times before he died from an aneurysm at the age of 43. He was seven years older than me and so he was out whoring around well before I was. Each of the three ladies that he married already had kids when he married them. He had one child with each of them but there were/are 18 kids that weren’t his. Don’t think that I am trying to get uppity on my brother now because I myself have been married three times also. Total I have two blood kids of my own and I have two step kids that to me are my kids as if they were blood, I love all four of them. They are all four grown and I have seven grand-kids now, I consider myself to be a very fortunate person.

 

 

The place where about everyone I know thinks we have got this in our DNA of still caring, or we don’t. I am from a small core family of five so the people , once you are family, you are always family. Should I not speak with former in-laws of my own or of my brother just because of a divorce? Do you just stop communicating with people that you grew to love as if they just don’t matter anymore? To me it is difficult to stop loving someone that you have honestly loved. You see, to me all of my brothers kids and step kids are my nephews and nieces and they always will be, just as his three x-wives will always be sisters to me.

 

 

What is your opinion on my line of thoughts and beliefs about family? Do you think I am just plain odd that I would count people as family the way I do? What is your opinion on whom you consider to be in your heart. I have met a few people who when they got old enough to get out on their own they totally divorced themselves from everyone they knew usually because of how they were treated in their growing up years. To me that would be a sad personal situation for any person to be in but I have also know of parents who put their kid on the street and told them to never come to their door again. It is sad for people to have such splits in their lives, it really doesn’t surprise me why many people only consider people who are not blood, to be their real family. Well, if you would, drop me a line on your thought’s of what or who, that you consider to make up a family. Thank you for your time, I appreciate you stopping in. Goodnight and God’s blessings I pray for you and your family, (inner circle).—Shalom

 

 

More Blessed Than Deserved

It’s about 1410 Est on Supper Bowl Sunday. It has been a very boring day, have been on the computer since I got up bout nine. I have been aiming to put some other things into the blog other than just the poems I have been putting in. I still have a lot of poems I have written but I have been wanting to give some of my thoughts and presentations on life and the world we are all living in. So, I m not saying that I am special or smarter than anyone else, I am just going to put some thoughts out to you folks to see if you think or feel the same way about life and world issues. So, if you would, after you read my posts, comment, let me know what you think okay? I am not just trying to get folks to agree with me like some blinded herd of cattle, if you don’t agree with me on an issue, that’s cool, tell me why you either do or don’t. You know, a lot of time the most learning that one can obtain is when one disagrees within an orderly discussion.

Lately I have been occasionally thinking about my age (57). I have been thinking about different times in my life when I was at one of those “decision moments”. You know what I’m talking about, moments like I had in April of 1977. I was in the Air Force in Biloxi Mississippi when my wife up and left with my two young babies. She left to go back up to northern Illinois to move in with an x-best friend. Well it became one of those decision times, no, I wasn’t thinking about killing either of them, neither one was worth it. My decision was about whether to take an Honorable Discharge and go back to Illinois to see if I could get my family back, or just stay in the Service and continue trying to continue my life without them. I chose the discharge and went back to northern Illinois pretty much knowing she wasn’t going to get back with me. But I guess in my head I had hoped we could get back together because I wanted my kids. But after I had gone back to Illinois I began to realize that I didn’t want my now ex-wife back. Right there, this was one of those life decision moments. I should have stood up right there and gone back into the Air Force. I could have been a more respectable ex-husband and dad than the process I chose of bouncing around the country. I had many jobs and knew many different ladies and friends but I should have been more stable and stayed in one place longer. I don’t know what I was running from most, my recent failures or was it because of being afraid of success.

The Lord has blessed me all of my life. I seldom if ever have been deserving of how kindly the Lord has treated me throughout these years I have been given. In my life I have always been blessed with someplace to lay my head and though I have never died from starvation (obviously), I have been blessed to know what hunger feels like.

I have never been one to run from work. That is probably one of my biggest faults, I worked my body into an early grave. When for decades in your life you have worked a normal work week of 100 plus hours per week this will destroy the chemistry of ones body, and of their mind. A body and a mind, even if they are not doing hard physical labor cannot work twelve to twenty hours a day seven days a week forever. Even if you are fortunate enough to never sustain a serious injury when you work yourself about 360 days a year. This is depression, you think sometimes that you don’t deserve a real life. This is what I felt I deserved, nothing. Depression, I think I grew up with it because of how my dad always chose to behave. The next biggest kick in the teeth is when I lost my two babies. But she and I neither one was anything but ignorant teenagers when she got pregnant and we got married.

Parents aren’t the end all of how a person grows up though. I was blessed with a fantastic mom, but dad not so good. I guess I got strike one from him, 21 and divorced, both kids taken away, strike two. Then through ignorance not going back into the Air Force, strike three. I let myself strike out, I gave up on life at 21 I guess.

When people think of “what if”, we must always remember the other side of a change. If I/we were able to change our direction at any point in our life the good things we have experienced in our lives and the path that we did choose, would have never happened.

There is also another unknown issue to be considered. Two years into my second marriage in July of 83 I went into the Army. This marriage was one of those loveless marriages in that she had absolutely zero love for me. I had decided that being that I really had no real marriage and that I still felt guilty for not having completed my previous military agreement, this is why I went in the Army. I felt I should serve at least one four-year hitch, this was the patriotic side of my brain talking. I figured we would probably stay married, mostly just in name only. This would keep her on the military insurance and I figured I would make the house payment for her but I wasn’t planning on doing anything else to help her hate-filled ass.

She was a non-practicing Jehovah’s Witness so she did not believe in military service. She told me just before I left for boot camp at Ft. Dix, NJ she said that “God will get you for this.” I started boot camp 7-18-83. At eighteen hundred on 8-11-83 while on a bivouac I was struck by lightning. Maybe she was right or maybe God just has a sense of humor but that did hurt a lot. After I cleared medical I was discharged in February 1984. I have a 40% service connected disability but in reality it physically destroyed my physical life.

The (other side) of the decisions of which I spoke earlier is simple. I could say if I hadn’t gone back into the military I wouldn’t have been hit by the lightning and I would have had a healthy adult life. Or if I had stayed in the Air Force when I was younger I would not have been at Ft. Dix that evening. But now think, I would have been in Desert Shield and Desert Storm. If what happened to me had not happened only God knows the results. I could have found the wrong end of a Republican Guards little grey pill.

Life is filled with what ifs, you know, none of it really matters. And really, it’s not worth wasting grey matter on. We are where we are, the things we did or did not do either good or bad we all have our own personal history. We all will one day answer for all these things at our own allotted time at the Lord’s Judgement Seat.

Do you remember the title of this post, more blessed than deserved? I have tried to be a good person almost all of my life and I have never been one to try to hurt people on purpose. Yet it seems to me that there aren’t all that many sins that I have not committed at one time or another. By no means have I ever been perfect, yet look at how kind the Lord has been to me. I have been married three times. The first was for two years, this is where I was blessed with my blood children, one boy and one girl. The second marriage was for eighteen horrible years! She had a son who was eleven when I married his mom. He is almost 44 now and I have always called him my son to this day and he knows that I love him. I am still married to my third wife for a little over 14 years now. She had a six-year-old son when we wed. He is 21 now and living on his own here in the town his mom and I live in.

So, the Lord has blessed me with four kids and also seven grand kids. I have a woman in my life now who actually loves me and treats me great. In March of 99, I had open heart surgery, that is where I learned that the lightning had literally fried all of my innards. At this time, March 99, the heart doctors told me that if I really behaved and if I was lucky that I might live for another three or four years. Friends, if I am granted seeing next month, that will be fifteen years ago.

So, blessed more than I deserved, yes I think so. Though I have known many types of pain I have lived through them, just like we all have. You here now, have your thoughts fluttered into your past as you have been reading this post? Friends we are all still here in this puzzle that is our lives. Let’s try to make the best of the position in life that we are at. Let us all try to look toward the blue sky moments and to shed the hailstones.

Just remember we are blessed just by being alive at this very moment in time. If at some point in our lives, if we have been able to go back and change it to avoid a painful event you know you and I are only humans, we do not always know what is best. Who knows if changing a point in time in our past in our new reality we could have ended up being one of Jeffery Dommer’s former ex-neighbors.

(Poem) X-Wives

 

 

She used to be a wife to me

Fulfilling the lust of my dreams

Her belly grew from love of my seed

Now blond hair with green eyes a glow

Barely now twelve months in the wind

One more angel, blessed again

Though not tied, you would think they were twins

Wherever one went a second blended like a shadow

 

 

I should have known their Mother would roam

Into the bed of many my heart suffered such pain

Working too much if you’re married to a slut

This disaster is not a good home in the making

Your Angels get used as bait to make your heart-break

 

 

From deep in your Soul your heart and mind can’t take it

Not caring that for lust your family home she is destroying

Men, divorce is no one’s friend do not play it like a fiddle

Not just your heart, your children always lose in the end

Son, be careful what she is when you say you wish to get hitched

Easily spread legs not always one you should consider to marry