The Son He Doesn’t Have To Be

The Son He Doesn’t Have To Be

 

Have you ever been a step-parent? Have you ever been a stepchild? I grew up in a house where I had both of my biological parents there. Did you notice that I did not use the word ‘home’, that I simply said house? Just because I had both of my biological parents living within the same four walls as I did, this did not mean that it was automatically a ‘home’. I had a great Mom but my Dad was severely lacking in his human skills. I left home at 17 because of how much of a hell-hole he made of our family life. He died when I was 37 and it took me till I was about 40 before I could forgive him of his ways toward me. Only when I was able to say to myself that he really was an ‘a–hole’ and that he also was mentally ill before I was able to forgive him. I know that I asked my Mom a couple of times before she died if Dad really was my Dad, asking her if maybe Dad thought that I really wasn’t his as I was trying to find a way to come to grips with how horribly he treated me and if there really was a ‘why’ that made any sense. I thought that if maybe he thought that I really wasn’t his, that if he thought Mom had cheated on him that this might be the reason he was such an a– toward me but she told me no both times about the issue. There is an old term about ‘beating you like you’re a redheaded step child’ that might come into play with me but that wasn’t it, I was of his own blood. I brought this up because I was the only blonde child and the only left-handed child, so I thought, well maybe. I did not ever experience a step-parent situation even though I honestly felt having no Dad in our house would have been much better than having a hate filled drunken maniac dominating our household.

 

I grew up determined not to be anything like my Dad’s example of a human being though I did make many parenting mistakes of my own. I married a lady in Texas who had a son who was 11 at the time we met and married, he is now 48 and married with a child/son of his own and as far as I know he is a great Dad who loves his son very much. 19 years ago I remarried to a lady in Florida who had a son who was 6 at the time, his biological Dad had committed suicide when he was 4. This son was a bit difficult because he didn’t believe or understand that both of us really did love him. He was about 16 before he actually ‘got it’, once he did see that light he now for the past 9 years has become a great child to both of us, especially to me. He is now 25 and 2 years ago his Mom and I bought a house that has a full 3 bedroom 1 bath apartment with a ‘walkout’ basement. One of the big factors in buying this house was so that he could live there if he wanted to, and he did.

 

Ten years ago his Mom and I would never have thought he could come so far in his development as a person, as an adult.  I am sure that none of the three of us would have thought that after he turned 18 that he would want anything to do with us or quite frankly us to do with him. What changed him? I believe it was him coming to the understanding of the fact that he really was loved, by both of us. He is a grown man now, there is nothing that says he has to live in this basement apartment, he chooses to. A couple of years ago he told me something that really stuck in my heart, that meant a whole lot to me. He told me, “Dad, all the good that is in me is because of you”. When a child you have raised loves you even when they are adults and there is nothing that says they have to do so or to even pretend that they do, that is very gratifying to one’s Soul. About 20 or so odd years ago there was a Country Music song that came out called “the Dad he doesn’t have to be” about a man stepping into a marriage with a woman who had a son already and how this man performed his role as a Dad. I am blessed to have two sons who were not biological to me that still love me, even though they do not have any obligation to have to do so. This is why the title of this note to you “the son he doesn’t have to be.” I am a strong believer in blood family yet I have learned that blood alone does not guarantee they will love you. I have also learned that someone who is not blood to you can still absolutely be “family” and love you even more that those who are blood to you do.

Who Do You Consider To Be Your Family

Who Do You Consider To Be Your Family

 

Who do you consider your family to be? I know from raising this subject within small groups that people have a wide variety of answers to that simple question. Some people only feel that their immediate household is their family, you know, Mom, Dad, and siblings. I have met quite a few people who have even divorced some of or all of those people from their lives. I have met many people who are by blood siblings or parents of friends that I know well, whom when you met them you see why your friends have no use for this or that blood relative. When I was growing up I was inundated by alcoholics who were also close blood and of course those they chose to hang around and guzzle the suds with. These days it seems that drugs like crack and meth are the vehicle which is totally ripping families apart. When people get hooked on those chemicals they usually find themselves unemployed and homeless when they have used up all of their friends and family because they will steal from anyone to get another high. After a while even close family members tell them to never darken their doorway again. Of course there are many other reasons also that causes families to fall apart, to me, either which way you look at this issue it is sad when brother won’t speak to his brother, or parent to child.

 

 

My wife as well as a few other people throughout my life have told me they think I’m nuts because to me once you are family, you are always family. I have at times joked that I must have some Italian blood in my veins because of how I feel about this issue. I know that I don’t, my tree just goes back to Norway, Ireland, Scotland, and England so I’m just a Scandinavian area mutt. The only brother that I ever knew (one brother died before I was born) was married three times before he died from an aneurysm at the age of 43. He was seven years older than me and so he was out whoring around well before I was. Each of the three ladies that he married already had kids when he married them. He had one child with each of them but there were/are 18 kids that weren’t his. Don’t think that I am trying to get uppity on my brother now because I myself have been married three times also. Total I have two blood kids of my own and I have two-step kids that to me are my kids as if they were blood, I love all four of them. They are all four grown and I have seven grand-kids now, I consider myself to be a very fortunate person.

 

 

About everyone I know thinks we have got this in our DNA of caring, or we don’t. I am from a small core family of five, so to me once a person or persons are family, you are always family. Should I not speak with former in-laws of my own or of my brother just because of a divorce? Do you just stop communicating with people that you grew to love as if they just don’t matter anymore? To me it is difficult to stop loving someone who you have honestly loved. You see, to me all of my brothers kids and step kids are my nephews and nieces and they always will be, just as his three x-wives will always be sisters to me.

 

 

What is your opinion on my line of thoughts and beliefs about family? Do you think I am just plain odd that I would count people as family the way I do? What is your opinion on whom you consider to be in your heart? I have met a few people who when they got old enough to get out on their own they totally divorced themselves from everyone they knew usually because of how they were treated in their growing up years. To me that would be a sad personal situation for any person to be in but I have also know of parents who put their kid on the street and told them to never come to their door again. It is sad for people to have such splits in their lives, it really doesn’t surprise me why many people only consider people who are not blood, to be their real family. Well, if you would, drop me a line on your thought’s of what or who, that you consider to make up a family. Thank you for your time, I appreciate you stopping in. Goodnight and God’s blessings I pray for you and your family, (inner circle).—Oldpoet56

 

The Son He Doesn’t Have To Be

The Son He Doesn’t Have To Be

 

Have you ever been a step-parent? Have you ever been a stepchild? I grew up in a house where I had both of my biological parents there. Did you notice that I did not use the word ‘home’, that I simply said house? Just because I had both of my biological parents living within the same four walls as I did, this did not mean that it was automatically a ‘home’. I had a great Mom but my Dad was severely lacking in his human skills. I left home at 17 because of how much of a hell-hole he made of our family life. He died when I was 37 and it took me till I was about 40 before I could forgive him of his ways toward me. Only when I was able to say to myself that he really was an ‘a–hole’ and that he also was mentally ill before I was able to forgive him. I know that I asked my Mom a couple of times before she died if Dad really was my Dad, asking her if maybe Dad thought that I really wasn’t his as I was trying to find a way to come to grips with how horribly he treated me and if there really was a ‘why’ that made any sense. I thought that if maybe he thought that I really wasn’t his, that if he thought Mom had cheated on him that this might be the reason he was such an a– toward me but she told me no both times about the issue. There is an old term about ‘beating you like you’re a redheaded step child’ that might come into play with me but that wasn’t it, I was of his own blood. I brought this up because I was the only blonde child and the only left-handed child, so I thought, well maybe. I did not ever experience a step-parent situation even though I honestly felt having no Dad in our house would have been much better than having a hate filled drunken maniac dominating our household.

 

I grew up determined not to be anything like my Dad’s example of a human being though I did make many parenting mistakes of my own. I married a lady in Texas who had a son who was 11 at the time we met and married, he is now 48 and married with a child/son of his own and as far as I know he is a great Dad who loves his son very much. 19 years ago I remarried to a lady in Florida who had a son who was 6 at the time, his biological Dad had committed suicide when he was 4. This son was a bit difficult because he didn’t believe or understand that both of us really did love him. He was about 16 before he actually ‘got it’, once he did see that light he now for the past 9 years has become a great child to both of us, especially to me. He is now 25 and 2 years ago his Mom and I bought a house that has a full 3 bedroom 1 bath apartment with a ‘walkout’ basement. One of the big factors in buying this house was so that he could live there if he wanted to, and he did.

 

Ten years ago his Mom and I would never have thought he could come so far in his development as a person, as an adult.  I am sure that none of the three of us would have thought that after he turned 18 that he would want anything to do with us or quite frankly us to do with him. What changed him? I believe it was him coming to the understanding of the fact that he really was loved, by both of us. He is a grown man now, there is nothing that says he has to live in this basement apartment, he chooses to. A couple of years ago he told me something that really stuck in my heart, that meant a whole lot to me. He told me, “Dad, all the good that is in me is because of you”. When a child you have raised loves you even when they are adults and there is nothing that says they have to do so or to even pretend that they do, that is very gratifying to one’s Soul. About 20 or so odd years ago there was a Country Music song that came out called “the Dad he doesn’t have to be” about a man stepping into a marriage with a woman who had a son already and how this man performed his role as a Dad. I am blessed to have two sons who were not biological to me that still love me, even though they do not have any obligation to have to do so. This is why the title of this note to you “the son he doesn’t have to be.” I am a strong believer in blood family yet I have learned that blood alone does not guarantee they will love you. I have also learned that someone who is not blood to you can still absolutely be “family” and love you even more that those who are blood to you do.

Who Do You Consider To Be Your Family

Who Do You Consider To Be Your Family

 

Who do you consider your family to be? I know from raising this subject within small groups that people have a wide variety of answers to that simple question. Some people only feel that their immediate household is their family, you know, Mom, Dad, and siblings. I have met quite a few people who have even divorced some of or all of those people from their lives. I have met many people who are by blood siblings or parents of friends that I know well, whom when you met them you see why your friends have no use for this or that blood relative. When I was growing up I was inundated by alcoholics who were also close blood and of course those they chose to hang around and guzzle the suds with. These days it seems that drugs like crack and meth are the vehicle which is totally ripping families apart. When people get hooked on those chemicals they usually find themselves unemployed and homeless when they have used up all of their friends and family because they will steal from anyone to get another high. After a while even close family members tell them to never darken their doorway again. Of course there are many other reasons also that causes families to fall apart, to me, either which way you look at this issue it is sad when brother won’t speak to his brother, or parent to child.

 

 

My wife as well as a few other people throughout my life have told me they think I’m nuts because to me once you are family, you are always family. I have at times joked that I must have some Italian blood in my veins because of how I feel about this issue. I know that I don’t, my tree just goes back to Norway, Ireland, Scotland, and England so I’m just a Scandinavian area mutt. The only brother that I ever knew (one brother died before I was born) was married three times before he died from an aneurysm at the age of 43. He was seven years older than me and so he was out whoring around well before I was. Each of the three ladies that he married already had kids when he married them. He had one child with each of them but there were/are 18 kids that weren’t his. Don’t think that I am trying to get uppity on my brother now because I myself have been married three times also. Total I have two blood kids of my own and I have two-step kids that to me are my kids as if they were blood, I love all four of them. They are all four grown and I have seven grand-kids now, I consider myself to be a very fortunate person.

 

 

About everyone I know thinks we have got this in our DNA of caring, or we don’t. I am from a small core family of five, so to me once a person or persons are family, you are always family. Should I not speak with former in-laws of my own or of my brother just because of a divorce? Do you just stop communicating with people that you grew to love as if they just don’t matter anymore? To me it is difficult to stop loving someone who you have honestly loved. You see, to me all of my brothers kids and step kids are my nephews and nieces and they always will be, just as his three x-wives will always be sisters to me.

 

 

What is your opinion on my line of thoughts and beliefs about family? Do you think I am just plain odd that I would count people as family the way I do? What is your opinion on whom you consider to be in your heart? I have met a few people who when they got old enough to get out on their own they totally divorced themselves from everyone they knew usually because of how they were treated in their growing up years. To me that would be a sad personal situation for any person to be in but I have also know of parents who put their kid on the street and told them to never come to their door again. It is sad for people to have such splits in their lives, it really doesn’t surprise me why many people only consider people who are not blood, to be their real family. Well, if you would, drop me a line on your thought’s of what or who, that you consider to make up a family. Thank you for your time, I appreciate you stopping in. Goodnight and God’s blessings I pray for you and your family, (inner circle).—Oldpoet56